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I received two free passes to see an advanced screening of this flick, and I can honestly say I paid too much. Now a typical Internet movie reviewer who is a fan of a series would go to the standard cliche lines… Things like "You stole my childhood! You have no respect for the characters, blah blah blah…" I have a rather pointed critique: Michael Bay set back filmmaking 50 years with the tripe he’s put out there. In fact, what Michael Bay did might be considered impossible: He almost destroyed my love of film. Now you could enjoy bad movies sometimes. You could even poke fun and laugh at them. There is a certain joy that comes with slamming a bad movie, but there’s none of that with Transformers 3. Bay even said he learned from the mistakes of Transformers 2 and was determined to make a better film. What he really meant was he wanted to give the audience a middle finger and layer on more of the shit people had a problem with from the second movie. The movie started off with promise: Tying in the Space Race of the 60s with the arrival of the Transformers. That works for me… However, it quickly devolved into one hot mess only Michael Bay can deliver. Sam’s out of college, riding a piece of shit car because Bumblebee is helping out the US government, and now has a new hot girlfriend (A fact that even his mother in the movie can’t believe). And because Michael Bay doesn’t take this movie seriously, he adds more comic relief moments that are juvenile and cater to the rubes out there to make them feel like the movie they’re watching is great. That shit is there to distract you from the hunk of shit this film is… He actually had a light-hearted moment at the end of this film after Chicago was destroyed and thousands murdered. I shit you not. You just went through hell on earth, and you can do a sitcom-like end tag to a film? Fuck you, Bay.
Sam’s girlfriend, meanwhile, works for Patrick Dempsey and he’s a real threat to Sam. Sam, on the other hand, is hired by John Malkovich’s character, and boy I hope he got paid a shit-ton to be in this movie. He becomes an overacting boob, only to be outdone by Ken Jeung’s character. Yes, Ken Jeung is in this movie, and he out-chews Malkovich. Hard to do, but he does it.
Meanwhile, Megatron is roaming the desert wearing a turban to cover his scarred face. Read that again: Megatron sports a turban. And this gets me to the other thing: Since when do Robots have hair? It seems like it was ILM’s mission to give the new robots hair. Most of the new ones had it. It was dumb.
Let me get back on track… So the Autobots find out there’s a ship on the Dark Side of the Moon that has the old leader of the Autobots, Sentinel Prime. He’s voiced by Leonard Nimoy. He had these pillars to build a space bridge, but wait, he struck a deal with Megatron because the only way to save Cybertron was to pull it through the space bridge and make it so it’s right near Earth. Earth and all the people would become slaves to the robots and provide Cybertron energon so it could live again. Never mind they could just harvest the energon on Earth and transport it via the space bridge. No, they had to pull Cybertron through…
So yeah, Sentinel turns… And kills Ironhide in the process. Poor Ironhide. But this brings me to how EASY it is to kill Transformers apparently. I’m about to write the most preposterous thing ever: Sam single-handedly kills Starscream. I say again: SHIA LABEOUF KILLS STARSCREAM WITHOUT THE AUTOBOTS’ HELP. This point of the movie, while the stuff leading up to it was pretty preposterous, made me hate this film unequivically. You mean to tell me a fucking punk kid with no military training takes out on of the most most powerful Decepticons ever? Really? Who’s buying this horseshit?
I have other problems too, like Leonard Nimoy reciting a line from Star Trek verbatim (Needs of many outweigh needs of the few) and Optimus Prime being a stone-cold killer who is TOO bad-ass. Prime is supposed to be pragmatic. He shouldn’t be taking guns to fallen robot’s heads and pulling the trigger. That’s what a bad guy does, not the most noble robot ever. Then there’s focus entirely too much on the humans and not the robots. Yeah, the humans should fight back, but I went into the movie to see a Transformers movie, not a humans fighting aliens movie.
You know what? I could go on, but why? It’s just going to give this asshole more credence. People are going to pay to see this and the art of filmmaking will get shittier and shittier. The only way to truly stop filmmaking like this is to just not see it. Resist the urge to pay to see a bad movie. If enough people just don’t patron this film, maybe, just maybe, films like this will never be made again to offend not only the eyes, but the ears as well.
Stay away from this movie at all costs, otherwise you too will feel my pain and wonder what happened to the real filmmakers that deserve the accolades Michael Bay currently has because he knows the right people.
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